death.

it can come hard to some, but can be passed off easily for others. i've always been the one to go on a limb and say "no one makes it out of life alive." i'm also the one who has never lost anyone super close and important to me -- until now.

two months ago, meisha, my only family pet, passed away. ten years old and full of energy. no one ever saw it coming. she got sick in one afternoon, and within a few hours she was gone. it's been two months, and i'm still finding it the hardest thing to talk about, think about, or even look at.

holding her dead, cold, lifeless body before my dad burried her in the back yard was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. so hard that to the day i haven't gone back there and looked at the spot she now calls home, six feet under the ground.

what do you do when you lose the one who greets you every day when you come home. who gives you nothing but endless kisses, and cuddles, and makes you smile uncontrolably from the silly things they do?

nothing. you don't do anything at all. you can't, because doing even the smallest bit of something seems impossible. walks seem impossible. coming home from a trip is dreadful when no one greets you upon entry, showing how much they missed you with kisses. stumbling over the ball you've tossed so many times brings pain to your heart. not metaphoric pain; actual physical pain. doing the smallest bit of anything in the world is impossible.

death.
i wish you made it our of life alive...

' i give up...

Writing. It has been a while. But now I'm back, and I'm starting fresh.

The end of the school year is here. Only one more exam to write, but I've given up before it has even began. I don't see myself going far in life. My hopes and dreams are usually just that; hopes and dreams. Giving up has been such a common occurance in my life in the past little while. To be honest, 2 sentences ago I almost gave up on this.

Right now, I have no idea where I'm going. I know where I'd like to be, in both this ... whatever it is that im writing... and life. I know I want to have a finished task to hang on my wall and say "I did this." Highschool Graduation Diploma, University Diploma, heck, even an Employee of the Month certificate would be fabulous right now. But lets get real, we've gotta start small. Baby steps. So here I am, writing for the first time in months.

But still, as I start the first steps to stop giving up, I'm giving up something else. It's 8:50pm and I have a Biology Exam that I am ill-prepared for. I gave up studying at 12:15pm today, after studying for just 20 minutes.

What is wrong with me? This isn't who I want to be. Make it stop!

I give up...