death.

it can come hard to some, but can be passed off easily for others. i've always been the one to go on a limb and say "no one makes it out of life alive." i'm also the one who has never lost anyone super close and important to me -- until now.

two months ago, meisha, my only family pet, passed away. ten years old and full of energy. no one ever saw it coming. she got sick in one afternoon, and within a few hours she was gone. it's been two months, and i'm still finding it the hardest thing to talk about, think about, or even look at.

holding her dead, cold, lifeless body before my dad burried her in the back yard was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. so hard that to the day i haven't gone back there and looked at the spot she now calls home, six feet under the ground.

what do you do when you lose the one who greets you every day when you come home. who gives you nothing but endless kisses, and cuddles, and makes you smile uncontrolably from the silly things they do?

nothing. you don't do anything at all. you can't, because doing even the smallest bit of something seems impossible. walks seem impossible. coming home from a trip is dreadful when no one greets you upon entry, showing how much they missed you with kisses. stumbling over the ball you've tossed so many times brings pain to your heart. not metaphoric pain; actual physical pain. doing the smallest bit of anything in the world is impossible.

death.
i wish you made it our of life alive...

' i give up...

Writing. It has been a while. But now I'm back, and I'm starting fresh.

The end of the school year is here. Only one more exam to write, but I've given up before it has even began. I don't see myself going far in life. My hopes and dreams are usually just that; hopes and dreams. Giving up has been such a common occurance in my life in the past little while. To be honest, 2 sentences ago I almost gave up on this.

Right now, I have no idea where I'm going. I know where I'd like to be, in both this ... whatever it is that im writing... and life. I know I want to have a finished task to hang on my wall and say "I did this." Highschool Graduation Diploma, University Diploma, heck, even an Employee of the Month certificate would be fabulous right now. But lets get real, we've gotta start small. Baby steps. So here I am, writing for the first time in months.

But still, as I start the first steps to stop giving up, I'm giving up something else. It's 8:50pm and I have a Biology Exam that I am ill-prepared for. I gave up studying at 12:15pm today, after studying for just 20 minutes.

What is wrong with me? This isn't who I want to be. Make it stop!

I give up...

` the barriers are holding me back <3

falling in love is a difficult task to fulfill.
from having to make the other happy,
while balancing a decent mood for yourself,
to having to put your all into it most of the time.
but when the going is tough,
you have a best friend to turn to...
but what happens if your best friend is the one you love?

i'll tell you what happens...
A LOT!
you feel like shit 99.9% of the time
when something happens that you can't tell a spouse...
but you're forced to anyway, because they're your best friend...
and then shit gets twisted
and flipped upside down
and you feel like breaking down and crying.
you just need someone to listen to you, someone to know how you feel...
but you've got no one,
because your best friend won't speak to you.

not only does friendship keep us apart,
but also our families due to racial barriers
coming from a traditional family,
im forced to "love" my kind...
but love is blind,
and shouldn't have barriers...
but there are, and it's a sad sad fact.

so i guess i'll just sit,
and try and move on from the one person that makes me happiest
hoping i won't screw this all up in the end.

i love you rr<3
you're the best friend anyone could ask for.

` back at one < 3

it's crazy how some days you can notice everyone
from how they act
to how they feel...
but there is one thing that you never know
but it drives you crazy...
you never know what they think when they look you straight in the eyes.
they look at you
and you know they're thinking something
let it be seen from the twinkle in their eye
the smirk growing on their lips
or simply the fact that they can't seem to look away,
you know something is going through their mind.
you question yourself
and you start to question others
you dig for the truth
or the smallest ounce of what they might have told someone.
you dig for everything that could possibly give away what they're thinking.
but they're like a stone
they're rock solid,
and you can't find out
it drives you even more crazy
right up the wall.
until you start taking drastic measures.
they're on your mind 24 hours a day
sometimes seven days a week.
you look for them,
you try to be places they are.
and then you realize,
you've gotten so caught up in them
and you couldn't have stopped it in any way.
so there you are
watching their every move
trying to notice if they notice you.
but they don't
and you fail
you try and get back up...
but the rocks keep being thrown at you
and then you stop.
quit
give up
you realize it's stupid to be obsessing over nothing at all.
so you live life
you laugh
you smile
you feel like you don't have a task to complete
and then they catch your eye
they hold the stare for a second too long
and you've started all over again
right back at step one.

` in need of a little closure. < 3

i need you to open up and let me in.
i need closure in my life, i cant be bothered, sitting here wondering if you care enough to stay or not.

i want to know that you want me. i need to know that you need me.

is that really too much to ask of you?
is that too much to ask from someone giving so little.

closure... that's all i need from you.

do you want this? or was that kiss just for fun?

do you want me... or is it her your eyes are set on...?
closure... thats all i need from you.


Closure.

` butterfly, fly away... < 3

this is the first blog i've posted. the first time i've spilt my feelings, thoughts, and anything else that i've thought.
people have told me that i need someone to vent to, but over time, i've realized no one is there. i always have to be the one to be there for people. i have to be the strong one. i have to be god almighty... but you and i both know that i'm not.
i'm just your ordinary, everyday girl. things don't go right, and i don't think they ever will. my hair doesn't fall the way i want it to, and there is always something in the way of me reaching my full potential...

sometimes, i think it would be just best to flutter away... unseen by anyone, or anything.

would you miss me if i were gone?...